Today is more about venting than writing.
This urge has been suppressed for a long time with hopes of a natural death,
but today I yield to it. More often than not the process of venting is followed
by a course of regrets but today I am well prepared to face the consequences.
Logging into blogger after countless days, I realised that 2014 had passed without a post. Even though there was no dearth of ideas to explore but not one of them was pursued sufficiently to make the ends meet. Major excuse for such a lackadaisical attitude is that year 2014 has been the most radical period of life till date. With mixed emotions and an open heart previous year was spent in embracing motherhood. Moreover, with biology playing such a significant role in deciding the fate of even routine activities, writing was often the activity of least priority.
In fact, even the term 'reading' got redefined to strictly apply to medical and child care documents. After initial few visits to the doctor one thing which became very clear was that to expect the unexpected was going to be the norm and that any out of the normal changes in the body were but natural and were reasons for celebrations rather than concern. After basic rules of the above sort had been set, it fell upon the internet’s responsibility to be a guide for preliminary diagnosis. Thenceforth, from the slightest twitch to the largest kick, every symptom was first cross checked on the internet and only after that its seriousness was decided. (In fact, to be honest, it is still the case.) Blame it on human nature, but fact remains that your suffering reduces if it is known that there are other people struggling with similar conditions and it was this reassurance that I was always searching for on the net.
Anyways today’s venting is mainly because there were two particular issues regarding which internet was unable to console me sufficiently. Consequently, I have spent considerable amount of time questioning my stars and alike as to why was I singled out thus.
The first issue which started almost in the first trimester itself and thereafter went on escalating at an exponential rate even after delivery was that of ‘acne vulgaris’. I have had acnes since puberty and had somewhat learnt to live with them. The combo pack of my ‘highly sensitive-oily-unbalanced hormones affected’ skin and my ‘full of dirt, dust and sunlight’ job profile has always done wonders for my face. However, situation was always under control with the usage of some topical creams. The sorry state of affairs was that all these topical creams became a strict ‘no-no’ during pregnancy. Thus the bacteria got the perfect breeding ground for its entire universe it seems. In my younger days, I had read in many articles that the problem of acne diminishes considerably post pregnancy, but no relief was to be found in my case. By the time my post-partnum period came to an end, I looked worse than the sample photographs found in the reception of dermatologists’ clinics. To make matters worse no appropriate treatment (read antibiotics) can be started during lactation especially during the first six months when entire diet of the infant comprises of milk and nothing else.
In my case, treatment could be started when my darling was nearing three months. Since my doctor was a man of principles, therefore he hesitated in prescribing the more severe medications right away. As a result my situation was similar to that of a guinea pig. I would try a particular treatment for few weeks and then re-visit the doctor for increasing the severity of the medication. After two months of experimentation my skin has finally started responding positively to a particular therapy. As per the doctor it will take at least 3-4 months of continuous treatment to bring the problem under control. The scars and pits might take over an year to become a little less pronounced. Also, there are therapies like ‘chemical peeling’ to force it into a better shape more quickly. Fact is that in such situations even empathy seems hurtful. It is difficult for people to understand that there is a person behind the face, but then it is for the sufferer to understand and not them. As per medical statistics, the problem that I face is also normal though not common. In a situation as mine, it is important to be patient (and tolerant of others’ ignorance) while continuing to look like a ‘chaand ka tukda’ literally!
Second issue that I faced has some amount of social stigma attached to it. My sweetheart, who turned 5 months today, is a perfectly healthy boy (touchwood) and shows all normal growth patterns, has been formula fed since day one. Whatever may be the reasons, I couldn’t lactate enough to fulfil his needs. I had a c-section after a prolonged labour and there might have been some more inherent minor issues. Even though reasons are still not clear yet the fact remains that my baby never went on ‘motherfeed’ despite numerous written advices by the paediatrician. I guess I tried practically everything under the sun, but what is not to be will not happen! I totally understand that ‘mother’s milk is best for baby’s growth’ but there is a limit to what can be achieved with sheer resolve. Emotions ranging from guilt to concern to depression kept disturbing me heart and soul. The worst part about all unbalanced hormonal issues is that stress worsens the condition and a vicious circle was formed.
It took me almost two months to come to term with the reality and even more time to recover from the guilt. My OB/GYN (a very fine lady with lots of experience) once explained to me that parenting is all about having patience and that formula feeding is as good an alternative as possible. She summed it up (probably just to cheer me up) that ‘male paediatricians can never really understand what a mother has to go through’. This statement in particular became a lifeline for me during the initial period when I was trying to cope up with the negativity building up inside.
With time I have come to understand, what is important and what is not. It is essential for baby to remain healthy, have a normal growth and that his needs (physical as well as emotional) are correctly understood and adequately responded. Devouring oneself in so much grief that even the baby starts feeling the depression is definitely not the right move to take. Moreover it is not a crime (morally or otherwise) to give a bottle to your baby. Unlike acnes, insufficient lactation happens to be a common problem faced by many moms worldwide. It is essential to accept the situation as it is and move on taking the best way out. At the end of the day what really matters is that your baby responds with that exclusive smile reserved especially for you!
This post has been penned with the sole purpose of telling others who find themselves in circumstances similar to mine, that ‘this too shall pass’. With hopes of giving some solace to any fellow sufferer, I end my rant here and now. It’s going to be alright. It always does. Doesn’t it!
Logging into blogger after countless days, I realised that 2014 had passed without a post. Even though there was no dearth of ideas to explore but not one of them was pursued sufficiently to make the ends meet. Major excuse for such a lackadaisical attitude is that year 2014 has been the most radical period of life till date. With mixed emotions and an open heart previous year was spent in embracing motherhood. Moreover, with biology playing such a significant role in deciding the fate of even routine activities, writing was often the activity of least priority.
In fact, even the term 'reading' got redefined to strictly apply to medical and child care documents. After initial few visits to the doctor one thing which became very clear was that to expect the unexpected was going to be the norm and that any out of the normal changes in the body were but natural and were reasons for celebrations rather than concern. After basic rules of the above sort had been set, it fell upon the internet’s responsibility to be a guide for preliminary diagnosis. Thenceforth, from the slightest twitch to the largest kick, every symptom was first cross checked on the internet and only after that its seriousness was decided. (In fact, to be honest, it is still the case.) Blame it on human nature, but fact remains that your suffering reduces if it is known that there are other people struggling with similar conditions and it was this reassurance that I was always searching for on the net.
Anyways today’s venting is mainly because there were two particular issues regarding which internet was unable to console me sufficiently. Consequently, I have spent considerable amount of time questioning my stars and alike as to why was I singled out thus.
The first issue which started almost in the first trimester itself and thereafter went on escalating at an exponential rate even after delivery was that of ‘acne vulgaris’. I have had acnes since puberty and had somewhat learnt to live with them. The combo pack of my ‘highly sensitive-oily-unbalanced hormones affected’ skin and my ‘full of dirt, dust and sunlight’ job profile has always done wonders for my face. However, situation was always under control with the usage of some topical creams. The sorry state of affairs was that all these topical creams became a strict ‘no-no’ during pregnancy. Thus the bacteria got the perfect breeding ground for its entire universe it seems. In my younger days, I had read in many articles that the problem of acne diminishes considerably post pregnancy, but no relief was to be found in my case. By the time my post-partnum period came to an end, I looked worse than the sample photographs found in the reception of dermatologists’ clinics. To make matters worse no appropriate treatment (read antibiotics) can be started during lactation especially during the first six months when entire diet of the infant comprises of milk and nothing else.
In my case, treatment could be started when my darling was nearing three months. Since my doctor was a man of principles, therefore he hesitated in prescribing the more severe medications right away. As a result my situation was similar to that of a guinea pig. I would try a particular treatment for few weeks and then re-visit the doctor for increasing the severity of the medication. After two months of experimentation my skin has finally started responding positively to a particular therapy. As per the doctor it will take at least 3-4 months of continuous treatment to bring the problem under control. The scars and pits might take over an year to become a little less pronounced. Also, there are therapies like ‘chemical peeling’ to force it into a better shape more quickly. Fact is that in such situations even empathy seems hurtful. It is difficult for people to understand that there is a person behind the face, but then it is for the sufferer to understand and not them. As per medical statistics, the problem that I face is also normal though not common. In a situation as mine, it is important to be patient (and tolerant of others’ ignorance) while continuing to look like a ‘chaand ka tukda’ literally!
Second issue that I faced has some amount of social stigma attached to it. My sweetheart, who turned 5 months today, is a perfectly healthy boy (touchwood) and shows all normal growth patterns, has been formula fed since day one. Whatever may be the reasons, I couldn’t lactate enough to fulfil his needs. I had a c-section after a prolonged labour and there might have been some more inherent minor issues. Even though reasons are still not clear yet the fact remains that my baby never went on ‘motherfeed’ despite numerous written advices by the paediatrician. I guess I tried practically everything under the sun, but what is not to be will not happen! I totally understand that ‘mother’s milk is best for baby’s growth’ but there is a limit to what can be achieved with sheer resolve. Emotions ranging from guilt to concern to depression kept disturbing me heart and soul. The worst part about all unbalanced hormonal issues is that stress worsens the condition and a vicious circle was formed.
It took me almost two months to come to term with the reality and even more time to recover from the guilt. My OB/GYN (a very fine lady with lots of experience) once explained to me that parenting is all about having patience and that formula feeding is as good an alternative as possible. She summed it up (probably just to cheer me up) that ‘male paediatricians can never really understand what a mother has to go through’. This statement in particular became a lifeline for me during the initial period when I was trying to cope up with the negativity building up inside.
With time I have come to understand, what is important and what is not. It is essential for baby to remain healthy, have a normal growth and that his needs (physical as well as emotional) are correctly understood and adequately responded. Devouring oneself in so much grief that even the baby starts feeling the depression is definitely not the right move to take. Moreover it is not a crime (morally or otherwise) to give a bottle to your baby. Unlike acnes, insufficient lactation happens to be a common problem faced by many moms worldwide. It is essential to accept the situation as it is and move on taking the best way out. At the end of the day what really matters is that your baby responds with that exclusive smile reserved especially for you!
This post has been penned with the sole purpose of telling others who find themselves in circumstances similar to mine, that ‘this too shall pass’. With hopes of giving some solace to any fellow sufferer, I end my rant here and now. It’s going to be alright. It always does. Doesn’t it!
P.S. Thankfully my families and especially my husband have
been highly supportive throughout the distressing time.
