Being a 'Sir'!!

About 15 years back I had once summarised about the variety of experiences I had while 'Being a Madam'. Back then, being absolutely ignorant about realities yet fully confident of self capabilities, I was so convinced that 'that' was the toughest part of the job!!

However, with greying of hair, wrinkling of face and more falls than 'rise', I have come to some deeper realizations!!

About 8 years ago, there was a time that I was looking after some  construction cum commissioning activities at site. There were a couple of highly motivated, enthusiastic, energetic yet novice officers working with me. As the work progressed, I could sense a feeling of comfort in their stance. But frankly, I did not pay much attention to it. Few months later, I had a major action point at hand, basically culmination of all the efforts put in since last 1.5 years. And a similarly competent and energetic team was at my disposal. With all pre requisites in place, as we were about to start the job, I remember one of them saying "Ma'am bataiye kya karna hai"

And that was 'the' moment of realization... Their comfort was derived from their confidence in 'me'... The thought seems unnerving even today.. even after so many years. At that moment my mind ran a quick recap of all similar moments in my professional life till date... Where I always had a 'Sir' to look up to, to tell me 'kya karna hai', most importantly to take care of things if they go downhill!! And now these kids were asking me 'kya karna hai'.. basically I had to be the 'Sir'... What an anxious and overwhelming situation it was...All in a second I realized that I had suddenly grown up and was on my own!!  

Well thankfully that job went well, and I have been part of too many similar situations since then.. sometimes successfully, many times ending in failures...

However, with every new assignment, the blief strengthens that being a 'Sir' is a far more difficult task!!

Being responsible for one's own part of the job is one thing, but being responsible for guiding the 'kids' is a different ball game altogether.. very heavy responsibility.. Because very often, it is not only the work in hand for which the guidance is applicable, but it adds up to the whole grooming as well.. all the subtle, non verbal cues that are picked up subconsciously have a larger contribution in shaping their attitude... If I panic, those looking up to me will learn to panic, if I procrastinate, they will learn that delaying tactics is the proper response and if I am proactive, they will understand the importance of being action oriented!! 

I have always felt that I have been extremely fortunate to have a large variety of seniors who held my hand through my initial years.. I have had the best of 'bosses' and 'mentors' to guide me through thick and thin.. Back then, it used to be a dream to become like them as I grew further. Now, with passing years, as the naivety wanes off and reality strikes and one begins to see the world in greys instead of B&W !! With growing responsibilities the major concern has now shifted to "qualities I definitely don't want to imbibe'.

In recent years I have had juniors (many of them long lost.!) reaching out to me out of the blue, seeking advice for things professional and otherwise and sometimes just for the sake of sharing their experiences. More often than not, even though I am not able to offer much help other than a patient listening and some 'gyaan', yet it is very heart warming to reconnect with them. It feels like a chance of trying to give back to the culture what I have continuously received from my seniors..

Although it is impossible to judge my performance unilaterally, but I sincerely wish than I am doing an okay job being a 'Sir'!!

The CE Transformation: Concluding!!

(part 3 of 3)

It was supposed to be a single post to pull myself out of the hangover. However it soon turned into a memoir. As I went on typing, I realised that I had so much to say that it was but logical to break it down into parts. And now after summarizing about the training in general and our routines during the one month program in detail, I feel that the only thing left to be chronicled is a bunch of specific events which turned out to be the highlights of the entire training program.

But before I commence recording the major highlights, there is one small group of people who deserve a special mention with reference to CE!! Actually, I have always been this irritating, over patronizing, intrusive person with respect to my juniors ever since my college days... Well not all juniors, but a handful of those with whom I found a connect!! Here at CE also, there was a group of 3-4 persons whom I referred to as my 'bachchas'... and well I felt that the connect was mutual indeed!! However, I am not going dwell more about this creed in general... they are a topic fo another day perhaps!!

The first event was obviously the outbound training and I have already covered it much detail. It was just the beginning of the program and we were busy getting to know about the basic and somewhat superficial attributes of each other. The return bus journey was particularly eventful where almost all of us were sufficiently out of our shells to be having group discussions about the cultural differences within the organization, between various cities we had been exposed to and generic modalities of our individual work places. There was an event when we started explaining about 'IOCL ke daamad' to some of our colleagues and this topic kind of unified all the refinery & pipeline people present there!! In yet another discussion, we had been discussing about the different cities of India and particularly the traffic situations, wherein an exasperated friend loudly exclaimed 'Madam aap ho kahan se!!' :D

One aspect I would really like to bring to record about the OBT is the Bus driver uncle we had. It was a 60 seater Volvo and the driver was amazing. He could navigate absolutely anywhere. On multiple occasions, many of us thought that lets walk from this point, but our driver was so diligent and had amazing skills, it was incredible. Alas, Gurgaon traffic got the better of him and he ended up bursting a tyre just outside the IIPM boundary. Our sympathies are still with him. We had a couple more bus journeys in later part of the program, however, none could match his potential.

During the IIPM module, we had many classroom group activities, some simulation games, some generic assessments, group discussions etc. However, the first activity which set the gears really moving was a class on presentation skills. The faculty for this class had taken another class in the first week itself, wherein she had established herself as a really formidable person, who could be very blunt if needed and definitely very pushy to say the least. Her lecture made sense, it was relatable, doable theoretically.. but her personality overshadowed everything else! So at the end of her first session with us, when she announced that few days later all of us will have to do a JAM session on any topic of our choice, it set many of us thinking.. As the D day approached (the 1st d-day to be precise), many of our 'group' conversations steered into this direction. We discussed possible topics, shared briefs of what we planned to say, even had motivational discussions, keeping each other's morale up and confidence high. 

The JAM was scheduled post lunch on a Friday. That lunch hour was really noteworthy, people ate quickly and were busy doing solo walks/ walking in pairs, going through notes, writing, reading etc. basically doing whatever was possible to calm their nerves. And then there was a group of extreme extroverts, who were busy being themselves. Almost everyone reached and settled in the class earlier than normal, waiting for the doom. When the speeches finally started, all of us listened in pin drop silence. The chilled out CE groupmates really did their best to keep the speaker motivated and in high spirits by being the best possible audience. 

The wide variety of topics chosen by the people amazed me and also the fact that we had so many amazing speakers amongst us. As the topics were of individual's choice, therefore the speakers spoke in their respective comfort zones, which further accentuated the presentation skills. 

I am not much of a stage person, would prefer to be away from the center stage for as long as possible. Moreoever, I have been having some body language issues since some time now, so I was not really looking forward to this event at least for myself. Moreover, when it comes to work, I am able to speak & present & what not, so I was definitely a little wary of this event which was not work related. However, when I saw so many of my friends really nervous/ troubled by the thought of public speaking, I felt that it would be good starting point where one could start working on their strengths & weaknesses. I decided to play very safe in that event and spoke about gender based roles. This topic is too personal for me, so it came out pretty naturally. However, when I finally sat down after the speech, my heart was really thumping.  The speeches were video recorded, but sadly never shared with us! Had we known this earlier, we would have recorded each other's videos and analyzed them ourselves!! Anyways, it was a good starting point in terms of presentations as we had two more to do at CE itself !!

The next & perhaps one of the major highlights also happened on the same evening as the JAM event. About a week before, one of the most calm, composed, wise and sincere batchmates initiated a poll about having a party on one of the evenings!! And after some amount of campaigning & convincing, 28 of us spent a really great evening at a place called MoB in the 'famous' sector 29 of Gurgaon. It was an evening full of everything and a lot of personal firsts for me. We reached the venue at around 19:45 and after about half an hour of social awkwardness, the 'chillpill' started showing its colours... 

After initial rounds of mocktails & cocktails as per liking, the five of us (females) couldn't restrict ourselves to the couches any longer. The DJ was playing really good songs..and so the five of us ended up on the dance floor. We even shuffled a few tables and seats out there to maximize the space.. After some time few guys joined us (a little hesitantly to begin with), but in no course of time we were a large single group grooving to the music. DJ Correctly judged our generation and played 'our' kinda songs!! Unbelievably I danced for almost 3.5 hrs non stop, I danced and sang and shouted and really went with the flow. There were other groups out there as well, since it was a weekend and in fact after an initial tussle for space and shuffling of chairs, things were good to go. 

Moreover, it was an official setup that bound us at the backend and the mutual friendships that had developed over the past two weeks, things seemed really simple at the party. There were a couple of instances when some particular outsiders tried to be extra friendly or overly intrusive with our dance group...the way the guys of our group handled them was really heart warming.. Those persons were shown their place without getting into any kind of conflict. Moreover, once the crowd started thinning post 22:30, 'our guys' took special care to ensure that the five of us (girls) were within their eyesight at all times. In fact many of the guys stayed back just because they didn't feel it right to let out group size reduce lest some exigency comes up. In any case NCR is infamous for all the wrong reasons! 

We had reached the venue by public transport plus one car. When it was time to return, it was decided that the girls will return in the car. The car owner had not taken a single drink, still he was cross questioned and scrutinized by at least 3-4 persons separately before we were 'permitted' to leave with him. The way people cared for each other was really touching!

After this party, we started getting into the closing groove, with field visits and pre-assigned group activities. We had been divided into 6 groups and every group had to do a book review presentation and a group project about some aspect of IOCL's business. All kinds of group dynamics became visible during the last ten days.  From really cohesive teams like Gp 6 to really incoherent ones like Gp 4, from too much of freedom of opinion to really organized teams; all aspects & stages of teams could be witnessed during the last phase of training. Even the theory that 'everyone bonds with everyone' also began to finally fade away during this phase.. but it also implied that the ones who did got along well developed deeper and closer friendships!! In fact, it was discussed and concluded that it was a good thing that pre-set groups were out of our comfort zones, else we might have worked even less and 'gapp-ed' even more!!

 

The presentations went well but we were a little let down by the way we were evaluated!! Book reviews weren't evaluated at all. No firm feedbacks were imparted. It seemed more like a 'To-do list' tick box activity for the faculties!! The group projects were half cooked efforts from many of us. Also, the issues seemed so mammoth to be tackled at our level, that we didn't really work towards solution. However, on the final day of the concluding, the reviewer of the projects took really stern stand at all the gaps we had left in our work and it was an overall demotivating ceremony!! which added to overall melancholic environment as it was the 'last day'. The so called 'last lunch' was followed by a prolonged farewell and photo session..  And then, the Goodbyes started!! 

However, those of us having our flights on the next day, still had an evening to spare!! Two friends deserve an special mention at this time. Both of them were placed at places 2-3 hours from IIPM and had originally planned to depart on Monday evening itself. Its just that, we requested/ coaxed/ cajoled them to prolong their stay by one night!! And these people actually complied to our requests!! Kudos to them and especially their families!! The last evening at CE, all of us 'leftovers' at the hostel decided to have a second celebration!! Prior to that we went out in groups big and small to places all over Gurgaon just to while away the evening. My little group unintentionally ended up at Crosswords!! My friends didn't realize, but they had actually taken me to my safe haven. 

Thereafter, we ended up at another MoB kind of place at Sector 32, but this time it was all empty (Monday evening!!). In any case, presence of outsiders didn't really matter to us any longer. We were a group of 14 people, with a really compliant DJ.. and that was all that was needed. Moreover, with one month of CE training behind us, the friendships and the farewell like environment, this last get together seemed like a really fitting closure to the entire program. We returned to the hostel way past midnight.

The next day morning was all about farewells! As people started leaving for their respective locations... mixed feelings filled the air.. obviously everyone was happy to be going back home, yet we were going to miss the CE vibes too. Add to it the fact that since most were posted in unrelated places & roles, chances of meeting again were (and are) really grim! So with moist eyes, heavy hearts and heavier bags we departed as per our respective flight schedules. I was one of the last ones to leave as I had an evening flight. Thankfully, one of my closest pals at CE had similar departure time, so we didn't have to process being alone at IIPM. 

After reaching home and joining office, for many days, I kept drifting off to the CE atmosphere in my mind. Moreover, it was (and is) very difficult to explain to others that what was so special about CE. The missing was real and felt inexpressible. For a few days I kept on feeling as if I had left a part of me out there at the training... it took me quite some time to realize that no I had actually carried a part of CE with me and its still there... safe & secure in a deep corner of my heart!!

It was indeed an amazing experience. And even though I have written 5000 words and three posts about the entire process, I am still convinced that I have not been able to capture what I truly felt! What CE 43 truly meant for all of us and for me!!

The CE Transformation : The 'Groups'

(... continued from Part 1)

(Part 2 of 3)

In fact, the most interesting observation we had was that till about 1/3 duration of the training, no major groupings were evident in the entire batch. Almost each one of us had a group of 5-10 unrelated people to share thoughts with. Moreover, with so many years of service at IOCL, each one of us had enough stories to share and enlighten others about!! The talks seemed never ending. 

And we had so many different groups to converse into...

In a very unusual happening, I became 'highlighted' for convening the most variety of groups!! 

Well in all my pre-preparedness to attend CE, I had taken some decisions about how to spend my 'Me' time. And I was somewhat determined not to miss the morning Yoga classes, hoping it might finally set me on a fitness journey. So that started the 'Yoga group', comprising of a couple of us who attended each and every class despite our unearthly sleeping times! In fact there were a few occasions when I felt tempted to bunk the morning routine, but I attended just to save my face in front of these 'Yoga group' members!! And well, with the chilled out CE batchmates we had, morning yoga was also fun... wherein after the class we would be laughing about how pathetic we were and how narrowly we dodged some tough aasana or the other!!

After yoga, we were supposed to return to our rooms to get ready for the classes. However, I desperately needed my morning cup of nicely brewed tea, which was not possible in the electric kettle. So for a couple of days, post yoga I used to loiter in the campus for about 15 minutes and then reach the dining hall for a fresh cup. Few days later, someone enquired about where was I heading to and there started the formation of my 'Chai Group'. Chai group became such an happening group that a friend made a pact with me to call him for chai post yoga. Yoga was secondary for him, but he would daily join us for tea!! Our hunger for conversations was such that for a day or two the tea time cut deep into our mornings and then we started putting an alarm to remind us to timely leave the Coffee Lounge and get ready for the classes!! 

Post morning tea, there were non-stop class room sessions till evening, but with loads of 'bakar' in between. Most of us were seated as per our comfort zones (some of us swapped places to get the same!). In this way the classes, faculties & learnings interspersed with comfortable 'bakar' made the sessions much more bearable and somewhat entertaining. However, with so much of knowledge being imparted on a daily basis, the evenings felt really heavy. On most of the days, I did not have much mental strength to do any self studies in the evening (As I typed this last line, voice of a few college friends chanting 'pappu' is very clearly audible in my ears).

So to 'detox' ourselves and to prepare ourselves for the next day of training, we had the dinner and post dinner sessions to look forward to.

Here, let me first give some insight into the dining hall of IIPM. The staff manning the IIPM dining halls are the strictest wardens one might ever come across. The dress code to be followed, etiquettes to be observed while dining, the time to be spent at the dining table are all strictly monitored and all trainees are shamelessly reprimanded upon by the staff in case of any defaults. 

Now, we being the 'Chillpill' trainees and they being the guardians of the IIPM Sanctum sanctorum, conflict was bound to arise! However, after a initial battle for supremacy, we reached an unspoken understanding. We would follow all the codes of conduct during breakfast & lunch and they would let us enjoy some liberties during the dinner time. 

There were two major areas where we broke all rules at dinner time. The first one was the seating. Despite the no. of seats available on the dining table, we would accommodate people as long as possible. We expanded the seating capacity to 11-12 as per our requirement. I recall during one of the final days, a friend had come in late and was quietly going to sit on a vacant table, when I got up with my plate and told "ya to aap yahan aaiye, ya fir main vahan aati hoon" and in the meantime another friend got up, pulled a chair and the late comer was well adjusted on to our table.

Second factor to which we extended our own rules during dinner time, actually became a point of tussle between 'us' & 'them'. We would not get up from the dining table till it was time to close the dining hall (i.e 21:30 hrs). The servers would drop us all kinds of hints and we would ignore them all and instead go about picking up another mango or apple which would be cut and shared by a group of 10-12 people busy chatting about. Most of the times, some of us would feel sufficiently embarrassed by their incessant hints & stares that we would finally leave the hall.

Moreover, leaving the dining hall didn't imply retiring to our rooms! Again, somehow I became infamous for convoking the post dinner 'Walking' groups on similar lines as the morning chai groups. I didn't really feel like returning to my room immediately after dinner and the insatiable hunger for conversations that many of us had, made it a natural choice to go for 'one more round' around the campus. We would start as a group of 8-10 or more people, but usually settled in groups of 2-4 persons talking about all the stupidities and all the wisdom of the world simultaneously. 

The conversations ranged from local IIPM happenings to college days, office life to personal matters, from bosses to kids, and generic talks on enlightening ourselves about being better humans. The funniest topics we engaged in included 'best practices to wash clothes', 'optimum inventory for minimizing washing of clothes' and 'various ghar ke kaam which kept us busy at IIPM'. Conversations also circled around implementing the learnings acquired in various sessions in real life, particularly in sessions relating to behavorial development. 

One topic that resurfaced multiple times was that why CE batch 43 was so cool and accommodating? and somehow it could never be answered satisfactorily except that "We were really lucky". 

The only rational explanation we could achieve consensus on was that the timing of this program was most apt considering our professional and personal standings in life. Almost all of us had our 'own' families (read spouse, kids etc.) which gave us stability on the personal front... That is to say that no one was looking forward to relationships with hidden agendas.. Moreover, with roughly a decade of service in IOCL (or more), all of us had experienced/observed the bell curve effects, the disparity between the deserving and the achievers, the nearly pathetic prospects of promotion into senior grades and the umpteen issues that ail any semi Govt. Agency in a country like ours.. We were mentally prepared for what to expect in future near or far... Moreover, none of us were in direct line of competition with each other... at least most of us felt that, if not all.. And since we were all part of this program, it was implicit that we had been doing okay in our careers in the recent years.. Adding all these scenarios gave us a degree of professional stability as well.. Thus we were eventually a group of people with a Zen like stability in our lives (at the moment at least!!) and perhaps that gave us a chance to be free of pretenses for some time. 

In any case, whatever be the psychological or sociological reason behind the cohesion in our group. It was an amazing experience being in the esteemed company of CE 43 batchmates. The variation in personalities of the members was immense; ranging from extreme extroverts who could not endure spending even a single evening indoors to extreme introverts who just couldn't be pulled out of their shells, from really skilled and talented beings to awkward commoners like me, from extremely caring, empathetic persons who would observe it all to people who just didn't give a damn!! 

We were a truly mixed bag of people who just decided to gel well together!! (Thank God!!)

(To be concluded...)

The CE Transformation : An Introduction

(Part 1 of 3)

Finally, picking up a pen (figuratively indeed!!) after almost a decade. Moreover, there is big question mark looming over regarding whether this post will see the end of the tunnel! 

This post has been on my mind since almost a month now, more so to declutter my own thoughts rather than to reflect upon the recent turn of events. In reality, as life moves on these days, time devoted to introspections, reflections and decluttering is usually cut short at the cost of 'more important' aspects of life, like earning a livelihood and running the household!! Sorry state of modern urban living!!

However, as a friend recently implored me to "write whenever I can but restart", so finally today I did take the liberty to log on and click on the 'new post' icon, without any assurance of what will come next.

Some two & a half months back my life took a very unexpected turn, when a fellow officer approached me seeking my willingness to attend a month long residential training program titled Cutting Edge (in short CE).

To start things from the start, let me give some background abt CE. When I was an A grade officer at Panipat, we were exposed to this phrase Cutting Edge with lot of value and privilege attached to it. I had seen so many of my really deserving and inspirational seniors (about 8-10 years elder to us in hierarchy) getting nominated for this 'flagship' elite program. And in those days of naivety, it seemed like a really big deal. Moreover, since a very few people of any batch used to attend this program, it used to feel really special to our eyes. Sub-consciously, during those days, getting nominated to such an elite program became part of the so called bucket list. 

Fast forward to 12 years, after passage of ample water under the bridge and some journeys on the 'roads less travelled by', I received a rather pleasant surprise in my inbox to find the invitation to join the CE training program in Nov'2022. However, the universe conspired to ensure that I could not attend the same for personal & professional reasons all around.

So, this year when I was again offered a chance to tick off the bucket list, I felt a little determined not to let go. Obviously, absence of a month from home, that too in a new city with Abhishek's unpredictable schedules was going to be a challenging task. However, Abhishek was equally determined to let me go this time, despite the difficulties he would have to handle.

Now, cutting the preface a little short, it so happened that I ended up being a part of this 'elite' 'flagship' training program of IOCL known as 'Cutting Edge'; and in multiple ways it became one of the most transformative and cherished experiences of my life in recent times. 

After spending so many years as the 'odd MAN out' in most professional set-ups by the virtue of my gender, which is further accentuated by the virtue of my persona which has great difficulties in making personal connects/bonds with ease, I have finally started accepting my situation head on rather than feeling awkward/shy about it. 

Therefore, when I stepped out of my home to start this journey, I was kind of mentally prepared to spend a month in solitude. I was more than happy to be away from the daily routines of household & motherly duties. I came to this program with literally zero expectations on the personal bonding front. I had braced myself mentally to converse with one and all but not to expect any extraordinary bonds anywhere. I definitely did not expect to make 'proper' friends (& not just FB ones!!) during this training.

Perhaps so much of mental bracing up, made it easier for me to put up a brave face... In any case, approaching any experience with zero expectations always makes the aftertaste better. 

On the designated day, I reached the IIPM hostel at around dinner time and tentatively took an empty seat on an almost full dining table. And with so much of mental preparedness, it was easier than normal for me to get into the ongoing conversations... Now in hindsight, as I retrospect, I realise that everyone at that dinner table ended up being my good companion for the entire training. Perhaps it was all part of the bigger plan destiny had mapped for all of us.

First phase of the training program composed of an outbound component, where we were taken on a 6.5 hours journey to the outskirts of Jim Corbett National Park and made to participate in multiple group activities. And this became the starting point of the transformational journey!! 

Over a period of next 2.5 days, we were grouped and regrouped into multiple teams, where we collaborated and cooperated with a variety of people. I guess by the end of the first team activity, mental barriers began to break and all discriminatory factors began to disappear. However, the biggest achievement of the official training part was that by the second day, we finally knew everyone's name :)

Also, one of the biggest takeaways of this training also happened during OBT itself, when we as a group decided to visit the jungle safari even though it was not on the official schedule. It was the precursor to the formation of the Chill Pill whatsapp group, which seems to be outliving most other such training based whatsapp groups (lets see for how long!!).

Going to a jungle safari in a group of about 30 people in open jeeps, which was mostly a really long drive through picturesque routes, forests and jungles with awesome weather was a thoroughly enjoyable experience. It in fact rained substantially during the journey and we braved the rains with signing unceremoniously in loud, off-key notes at the top of our voices while standing in the jeeps!! And even though there was absolutely zero animal sighting (as expected), it was one of the most enjoyable jungle safari experience most of us had.

One of my personal major achievements at the OBT was allowing myself to let loose!!

At evening pre dinner gatherings out there I found myself trying my luck at Carrom and I found myself humming along in a utterly dissonant tones, loud enough for others to hear when a fellow trainee sang while playing the guitar. The cherry on the cake was that at one such gathering, I could overcome my self imposed barriers to dance (badly no doubt, but still..) along with the group. Somehow I had managed to brace myself against criticism, against being made fun of and being laughed at!! And this resilience of sorts gave me the courage to just be.. to not be bothered about the biggest worries of my life, which has bothered me almost at every stage of my social life - "what will others say!!"

Here it would be very wrong on my part if try to take the entire credit for such intense transformation. There was (or is) something unique about the attendees of CE-43. There was something in that air that gave us certain level of confidence, comfort and encouragement in each other's presence. Everyone made fun of others. Everyone was made fun of by others. And no one took it to heart in the demeaning way. Any trait which could be sorted or improved upon was taken up in the right spirit. At every instance, there was someone or the other available to provide mental/ moral support and guidance to overcome whatever idiosyncrasies' the other one had. There was an immense undercurrent of 'Gyaan' and 'Gyaan' flowed from all directions! Age/ experience/ cultural or societal differences didn't matter. To some extent even inter divisional differences didn't matter. The amount of harmony and goodwill in the environment was unbelievable!!

(To be continued...)

Emotions vs Pragmatism (& Figo)

As a yet another self imposed rule, I don't do 'nested posts' i.e. I make it a point to finish one topic and start a new unrelated post only after completion of the previous one!!

However, exceptional situations call for extraordinary solutions!!. Even though I am yet to complete the chronicles of CE, yet here I am starting to pen my feelings about yet another turning point of my life, which was even more transformational than CE felt. 

For any one of us growing up in middle class households of 1990's - 2000's, 'car' was always a long term goal with no guarantee as such. My parents bought their first car in 2009 when I was already posted at Panipat. I learnt to drive through a driving instructor in 2009 in Lucknow. However from learning to drive to being able to drive proved to be a very long journey for me. 

I was somewhat determined to purchase 'our' first car post marriage only. Thus began Abhishek & mine search for the perfect fit in early 2011 which culminated in the purchase of a Sea Grey Ford Figo in April 2011 from Panipat. However even then, it took me two more years to finally grow my wings.

After multiple driving sessions with Abhishek copiloting me, I vividly remember the evening when I told him (rather than seek permission) that I will drive to office tomorrow!!

Actually 'necessity' is the mother of 'invention' and even 'initiative' for that matter!! Because alternatives were always available, therefore my driving was never a priority even for myself. Except that, it was like an itch at the back of my mind. I wanted the independence, the kind I used to have with my Scooty!! 

There was no looking back since that day back in 2013, when I finally got behind the steering with more determination than nervousness!! 

Figo literally gave me wings!! We have been through a lot together. Especially during the last seven years when I was posted in Ahmedabad and was driving 50-60 km on a daily basis, Figo was my safe zone, my cocoon, a place where I could be 'Myself'... free from the worries of office as well as home! I was free of pretenses once on road... I could let out my true feelings, I might be elated or frust or excited or depressed or in a tranquil mood or in a pensive state, whatever the case be, I could be 'me'!

It was like my mobile escape route, albeit temporary yet absolutely refreshing!

We braved waterlogged roads, traffic jams that could stretch for hours, some dents here & there, an accident even and a couple of failures right in the middle of road...But my Figo gave me strength...and Memories..

Abhishek and mine shared love for road-trips (long or short) started with Figo. From travelling by road from Panipat to Gandhidham or going around coastal Saurashtra or even local trips where only the journey mattered, driving was 'our thing'! Covid time were particularly such days, where for the sake of an outing, we would just roam around Ahmedabad/Gandhinagar without stepping out of the car at all.

Figo has been an integral part of our lives for time immemorial. 

I do understand that it's after all a machine and that change is an inevitable truth of life.. all things living or machines come with their expiry dates... But rational thoughts are often at loggerheads with one's emotions!! 

Since past 2-3 years, signs of aging were getting evident on my dear gaadi. However even after getting a more modern new vehicle, Figo still holds a very very special place in our hearts!! And if I can ignore all the practicality and pragmatism of the world, I would rather prefer to keep it with me forever. However keeping a machine ideal for too long is illogical and spells ill health for the machine! Moreover govt. regulations and norms also need to be referred to for keeping old vehicles in one's custody.. So the tussle ensues..

I know what is required (& will be done eventually) but I also know what the heart yearns for!! 

I usually take pride in not being an overly emotional person when it comes to accepting change... However, this instance is too massive for me to keep the tears in check!!

"Dearest Figo,

Thanks for everything. Thanks for giving me wings!!

With lots of love

"

Note to self on a new start!!

Imagine a wide thoroughfare bustling with traffic during peak office hours. Now imagine yourself standing in the middle of it, on a divider let's say, fast moving cars and buses and bikes rushing past you, the gusts of air brushing against your face. Now you have to move, to get down from the comfort of the raised platform and to make your way across the impossible traffic..how do you do it..which way is indeed the right way? Or is there anything right at all.

Finally you put a foot down and then the second (only because dangling in between is more dangerous than the other option). The traffic is intense. You can't even see the other side of the road. Suddenly you hear a honking much more intelligible than the surrounding din. Oops! a car is trying it's best not to run over you. Future doesn't matter now, all you want is to save yourself from this one vehicle, this one time. You let it pass and then move a few feet ahead, a different car but similar fate. Now you are no longer thinking about the other side, all you are concentrating on is the next oncoming vehicle and on saving your skin one more time...

This becomes the norm. The fast paced vehicles the truth. The other side of the road a myth. Maybe you are not crossing the road at all. Maybe you are just walking in the traffic against the flow. You will never know because there is no time to ponder. Infact there is hardly any time to breathe.

Maybe staying on the divider was the better choice. Maybe you should seek help, cross and stay there, away from traffic. Or maybe you should get a car for yourself. But the answers are not to be found. In order to judge you need more experience, and for that you need more time! But time is what is missing the most...

Every step taken decides the route you are choosing. And the chosen route makes all the difference!!

Walk while there is a chance.
Also walk because you have been sitting for a long time.
Walk your own walk and chalk your own route.
And that will make all the difference.

A maiden journey

I sat on the edge of the bed and raised my feet in air so that the maid could sweep underneath. As she swept, her bangles jingled in sync with her hands. The sweet monotone of glass bangles reminded me of my childhood. I have never told my mom about it, but I can always tell if she's around just by the mere jingle of her bangles. Even today I can recognise her blindfolded, if she just moves her hand (at least so I think). With a half smile resting on my lips, I glanced at my little baby sleeping peacefully and then my gaze shifted to my wrists and the smile vanished altogether. How will the poor kid know that his mumma is around? She hardly wears bangles!

Thereafter another childhood memory filled my heart. I fondly recalled how I used to go to market with ma, holding tightly a corner of her palla. My betu won't be so fortunate, his mother rarely drapes a saree and even her salwar suits are sans dupatta most of the times. Poor darling will not experience the joy one gets when maa's saree caresses his face.

Little sweetheart might  never know how it feels to sit on the fuel tank of a motorcycle and dozing off during the ride with papa nudging him constantly to keep him awake. For that matter, as I continued to dig deeper into my childhood, I kept discovering just so many fond memories which my son will neither be able to experience nor relate to. Just as this realization started to make me gloomy, the little one turned to face me, smiling even in his sleep.

His serene face brought forward a different perspective. There was no reason why his childhood should be a carbon copy of mine. Why shouldn't his ma be just a guide as he ventures on his maiden journey? 

With this thought my heart whispered a prayer. 'Let him have his own experiences and make his own memories. Let his ma be there to watch for him, to keep him on the 'right' path and to hold him when he can't. Let his Ma lets him live his life.'

And just then, he woke up. :)